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Someday I’m Gonna Eat Like the Boys

My life has been one long calorie count. I remember starving through high school eating carrots and celery. And one day, I remember looking down at my Bermuda shorts (yes, I am that old) and thinking that my thighs looked like the thighs of a hamburger-eater, not a celery-eater. How is that fair?

And yet, I persevered and I persevere to this day. But, as I was wandering around the city today during lunch hour, I Noticed something quite obvious: there are boy eateries and girl eateries!

Now don’t go calling me a sexist whatever. I am just trying to point out elemental truths. Boy eateries advertise the biggest, fattest, most caloric sandwiches known to man (and woman). Girl eateries advertise greens galore to be topped with grilled chicken or salmon. I know that both genders do eat in both types of places, but creamy ranch dressing (150 calories per 2 tablespoon serving, and I bet you didn’t use just 2 tablespoons) soaks the salad on only one type of human.

Yes! Yes I am jealous! Of course I am jealous! 

But I have a plan.

On my 80th birthday, which (my Bermuda shorts comment notwithstanding) is quite a way off, I plan to have a big celebration. I will start with breakfast. French toast with quite a bit of syrup, thank you. Nah. Just bring me a basket of croissants, muffins, and Danish! Well, maybe a huge stack of pancakes! But, geez! Get that fruit bowl away from me!

Now lunch. A Boy lunch for me. Give me the fattest sandwich in the land, filled with red meats of all kinds! Yes, of course I want French fries. Why even ask? Well, maybe instead, a big fat hamburger with cheese! Hah! Yes! Wait…. Why not go for Italian and have a huge bowl of pasta with meatballs! Yes, the garlic bread too! Hahahahaha!

Dinner. Ugh. I am too full now to even think of dinner. But here’s the thing: Dessert! Dessert is the most important part of my plan. I will have cake! I will have an ice cream cone. Well, why not an ice cream soda? Hell, I’ll have a milkshake! I will have home-made chocolate chip cookies! (Will you make them for me?) I will have candy. Candy? I will eat a box of chocolates a la Forrest Gump, and be surprised at what I get.

Anyway, you get the picture. At my 80th birthday plus one, it’s back to carrots and celery. But I will have even greater plans for my 90th! For my 90th, it will be only candy, cake, cookies, and ice cream!

You are cordially invited to these birthday celebrations of gluttony. Are you in?


©2014 Margery Leveen Sher


MARGERY IS AVAILABLE TO KEYNOTE YOUR MEETING OR CONFERENCE with a motivational talk peppered with both startling wisdom and humongous laughs:

“Notice What You See and Be a Hero at Work”

Margery Leveen Sher is a speaker, writer, and entrepreneur with decades of experience as a consultant for major corporations and government agencies.  She is the founder and Chief Noticing Officer of The Did Ya Notice? Project, and is currently writing the definitive book on Noticing.


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Reader Comments (4)

Here on my desk is the tape you made for me when I went to college. "Don't eat fat and cholesterol. Eat salad! Salad's good for you! Bundle up, it's cold outside! What time is it, is it 2 a.m.? Lights out, lights out!" On it went. Whenever I see a burger, which yes, sometimes I do eat, I think to myself: "Don't eat fat and cholesterol. Eat salad! Salad's good for you!"

June 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJeremy Sher

When I quit smoking I said I would start again when I turned 80 and, fortunately, when that happened I had no desire, no yearning. But I'm with you - celebrate when you can!!

June 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJan Saferstein

I want to be there for this grand event! I have NO MEMORY of a day when I didn't at least mentally count calories, how sad is that?!!!

July 6, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKatherine Morrison

I’m with you all the way!! The good news is I saw a report on 60 Minutes several months ago and it said as we get older we need to have a little extra weight. Unfortunately they didn’t define that age. I’m going with 70 – 10 years ahead of your plan!

July 6, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLorri Livengood

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